Tips on Riding a Mechanical Bull
Living Happy Roundup
1. Act nice to the short man with the white mustache who runs the gears for the mechanical bull. This is important once you get on said bull.
2. Wonder why the bull looks SO much bigger in person. Touch its horns but not too much, this annoys the bull driver man with the mustache.
3. Wave to your friends.
4. Bounce on your toes (if you are short, like me) and leap onto the bull, which is chest high if you are short. This is the WORST part of riding the mechanical bull for many people. If you are drunk, this is hard. If you are an older man with a big belly and a good golf swing, this is hard. If you weigh more than 130 pounds, this is hard, unless you are a super athletic guy, or short (like me) and have no qualms about bouncing up and down to get enough momentum to sit astride the bull.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are even slightly cute and slightly female a lot of nice men who are more than slightly drunk will try to help you onto the bull. This is not because they are really nice. This is because they want to touch your butt.
5. Look triumphant as people cheer the fact that you are able to actually sit on the bull.
6. Look shocked as you realize you're already panting and THE BULL HASN'T STARTED MOVING YET.
7. Pray if you are the type to pray. Convert if you are the type not to pray.
8. Hold on to rope.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are a man from Maine and you pull on your bicycling gloves, this will NOT help you stay on the bull. This is because millions of people in the audience (Maine's entire population)will start yelling WUSS! WUSS! WUSS! At you and you will laugh so hard you'll fall off before it starts.
9. Pray again.
10. Ride the bull. It is okay to look stupid. It is not okay to scream. The bull driver man with the mustache will MAKE you fall off if you scream. If you are a cute girl, you will stay on the bull MUCH longer than any one else even if you have no balance. Accept this. Bull driver man doesn't have that twinkle in his eye for nothing. You can judge him later though.
11. Try to lean forward, back, and balance. Comment on how it seems as if they've put furniture polish (perhaps Pledge? It is a lemony smell) on the bull to make it slippery. Wonder if the bull likes it.
12. Hold on.
13. Grab horns as you fall off. Hoist yourself back up by the bulls. You get bonus points for this AND you get to brag after and say, “YES, I TOOK THE BULL BY THE HORNS!”
Realize that you will be annoying when you are doing this, but do it anyway.
14. Wink at bull driving mustache man.
15. Get cocky. You're on a bull. You've been on there for 40 seconds. Wave to your friends. Bow to your fans. Scream, “I RULE THE WORLD!” Look in mustached bull driver's eyes. Uh-oh. You got cocky. His twinkling eyes turn evil. That bull is bucking a lot harder. You're going to. ..
16. FALL. Try to do this gracefully. It is impossible. So laugh and bounce back up.
It’s like life, right? You can’t control all the elements. You can only control how you approach the situation. Do your best and hang on.
