Ah, Being Knocked Off The Sidewalk
Living Happy Extra, Be Brave Friday, and a Bit About Dehumanization
The two women were walking down the sidewalk toward the library, heading toward me. I knew one of them. Everyone in town knows her. I’d met with her a few months ago, confused about why she’d wanted to meet me. Whatever the reason, it was obvious that I’d failed the test the way I do sometimes.
I’d reached out to her again. She never responded. I tried one more time. Nothing.
Maybe her email was chaos. I know mine is. I didn't worry about it. I tend not to stress about that sort of thing.
And now as she and this other woman walked by, she kept her head down, talking.
Now, maybe she really didn’t see me, but she’s not a woman who misses much. And I saw them and I'm blind in one eye.
However, invisibility was a possibility because on our sidewalk, her friend didn’t move over so that we could go by single file. She bumped into me the way you bump into people in a high school hallway when you don’t like them too much.
Right then: I made an assumption. I assumed that the ignoring, the bump, they were on purpose.
Then I put my foot back on the sidewalk, kept striding like Beyoncé was playing in the background, and shook it off like Taylor Swift, swallowing something unspeakable, a tiny bit of pain that comes from not being ignored, but also disrespected, that feeling that some people give you when you realize that they wanted something from you and you didn’t provide it and now you aren’t worth sharing the sidewalk with.
But that’s an assumption—a horrible assumption. I have no idea about their intents.
It could have been something totally different, something that had nothing to do with me but with whatever they were talking about, engrossed in. They could be suffering in ways I can’t even imagine. So, they can have the sidewalk if they need it. It's okay.
Here’s the thing that’s bigger than those two women and me. It’s hard sometimes to only be seen when someone wants something from you. It’s hard sometimes to be ignored. And that may not be what happened with me and that woman, but it happens all the time to people.
That breaks my heart. We're all better than that. We all can be.
Real connections are important, those kinds of connections that stay hard and fast and true, the kind that don’t create unspeakable feelings that you have to gulp down, but the kind that you get to sing out, strong and true. You can’t get those if you choose not to see other people.
In this world, we have so many choices to see, to really see, other people beyond labels, beyond the bubbles of our own experience and our wants. We can choose to be cheerleaders, leaders, friends, bailsmen, helpers, students, teachers, people who give others a second chance or even a third one. And we can choose not to.
So, the next time I see that lady, I’m going to loudly say hello. That’s what being brave can be about, right? Being seen. And seeing others, too, even when they don’t see you any longer.
Here is my chaotic painting. Color is mixed. Technique is mixed. There are no angels in it yet. But there will be, somewhere, seeing.
DEHUMANIZATION AND VILIFICATION
According to Michelle Maiese on Beyond Intractability, “Dehumanization is a psychological process whereby opponents view each other as less than human and thus not deserving of moral consideration.”
Interesting, right? We see it a lot in politics and in war. We even see it in communities or PTAs or sometimes families.
There’s a post on Psychology Today by Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D.’s daughter Clara Riggio, where she talks about the five steps of dehumanization
1. Hinting at the subpar intelligence or morality of a group
2. The use of infestation analogies
3. References and comparisons to animals
4. Threats of violence
5. The removal of the group from society
It’s a great post by a young writer that you should check out, but I think it begins a lot earlier than that and it doesn’t always happen with groups. It can happen with individuals, with spouses, with neighbors, with community members on two different sides of a hot topic issue.
I met a man from Pennsylvania on Friday and he talked about a lot of things, but one thing that struck me was when he lifted his beer, looked me dead on and said, “The first step is always being unable to see someone, you know what I’m saying?”
I did.
Again, this isn’t necessarily about my experience on that sidewalk or my lonely email inbox, but there’s something to be said about how it’s easier to dehumanize people when you refuse to see them—to see their nuance, to see their pain, their possibilities, and even the scenarios that you might know about that make them act the way they do. Maybe they are shy (in this case that isn’t true), but it could be for a lot of people, right? Maybe that person whose head is down might have issues with eye contact. Maybe that person is grieving, intimidated, a million things.
Thinking about those possibilities can help you remember that the person you’re interacting with—that person who might feel the opposite of you about something—is still human.
As Michelle Maiese says,
“During the course of protracted conflict, feelings of anger, fear, and distrust shape the way that the parties perceive each other. Adversarial attitudes and perceptions develop and parties begin to attribute negative traits to their opponent. They may come to view the opponent as an evil enemy, deficient in moral virtue, or as a dangerous, warlike monster. Such images can stem from a desire for group identity and a need to contrast the distinctive attributes and virtues of one's own group with the vices of the "outside" group.[4] In some cases, evil-ruler enemy images form. While ordinary group members are regarded as neutral, or perhaps even innocent, their leaders are viewed as hideous monsters.[5]
Enemy images are usually black and white. The negative actions of one's opponent are thought to reflect their fundamental evil nature, traits, or motives.[6] One's own faults, as well as the values and motivations behind the actions of one's opponent, are usually discounted, denied, or ignored. It becomes difficult to empathize or see where one's opponent is coming from. Meaningful communication is unlikely, and it becomes difficult to perceive any common ground.”
I don’t think we need more enemies. I know! Unpopular view, right? Or at least, it’s not the loudest view. Hate is loud. But I think this world can lean away from this vilification, this not seeing, this dehumanization. We can lean toward kindness and empathy, toward communication—even if that communication is just to say hi.