Why Am I So Stupid?

Ah, yes, that time my first novel was picked up by an editor despite my massive mistake

Back in January 2006, this was my LiveJournal post.

 Why am I so stupid????

Okay.

Here's the big question of the day: Why am I so stupid?

I will work on the self-esteem exercises tomorrow ... but today! Today! Today I am allowed to realize the full extent of my idiotness.

Here's why.

I sent out some manuscript queries on Thursday. I get a phone call this morning, from a real live editor who says, "Um, is this C.C. Jones?"

"Yes," I say while pouring out cat food.

He then proceeds to tell me he got my query, wants to see more of my manuscript, but his email requesting it bounced back.

"Really?" I say. "That's weird."

"Let me tell you the address," he says. "cjonese at..."

"Oh," I say. "Oh. Oh. Oh."

"What?" he says.

"There's no e on the end of Jones."

"I didn't think so," he says.

I then apologize and berate myself for not even being able to spell my own last name!

What an idiot.

He gives me an email address. I send him the rest of the manuscript.

Yeah, that baby's going somewhere. Not.

Although, he was kind and he did say, "It's the manuscript I care about, not your inability to spell your name."

What a nice man. Even when he rejects the manuscript. He's still a darn nice guy.

This means now that STORY NAME THAT I SHALL NOT REVEAL HERE has been requested. The JOHN WAYNE LETTERS has been requested (by agent and house). And another book, which was crucified at workshop, has been requested. Will anyone actually buy anything? No ...

And if they did, will they be able to contact me? Not unless I can remember to get my email address right. Geesh.

Me and Em back when I didn’t know how to spell Jones

So, why would I share this? This moment where I modeled:

1. The inability to spell my own name;

2. Self-effacing behaviour;

3. A complete and total lack of faith that I’d ever get traditionally published.

I’m sharing it because it’s proof that you can get your dreams even if you can’t spell your last name. Your origin story as a novelist doesn’t need to be perfect. And that’s true about all professions and dreams. You’re allowed to muck up, to be human, to have errors. You do not, I REPEAT, you do not have to be perfect.

This is something I need to remind myself of every single day. The expectation of perfection, that push? It can help us achieve, but it can also paralyze us into non-action.

As the Rebecca Knight for the Harvard Business Review writes, “Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can motivate you to perform at a high level and deliver top-quality work. On the other hand, it can cause you unnecessary anxiety and slow you down.”

Knight’s article has some great points about how to channel your perfectionist tendencies in good ways and squash down some of the anxiety or control issues that might be fueling it. You should check it out. But here’s a quick screen cap of some of the steps in case you don’t have time:

via Knight’s article

2006 CARRIE MADE IT THROUGH

To the shock of everyone involved except my mom, that editor bought my novel and two more. He’s now officially one of the top editors in children’s publishing working with brilliant major-award winning authors every year.

And that book that I wrote? It won an IPPY and was short-listed for a LAMBA and a bunch of other literary awards.

But I almost couldn’t send it to that editor because I was just so horrified about my mistake.

Photo by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash

There were only three comments on that ancient LiveJournal post. I can’t see one because it’s been deleted, but the other two were from classmates at my MFA program at Vermont College. Chris and Sarah.

Their faith in me and kindness helped calm me down and get that book out there.

And that’s the thing. We need to give each other some grace for not being perfect. We need to give our own selves that same grace. And we also have to get out there and support each other, even when we aren’t perfect. That’s what community is. That’s what kindness is, too.

So, if you’re reading this? Thank you for being here. I’m still queen of the typos when it comes to my own work and I appreciate your kindness about that, too.

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