What Happens When We Get Scared?
There Is a Cost To Inaction
This week I was emailing with a former journalist who told me that if he cared what people thought of him, he’d have never gone into journalism.
And that . . .? That is a lot of confidence. And a lot of self-possession.
Last night on our podcast we were talking about dreams, which morphed into a talk about nightmares, which made me realize that I don’t usually have nightmares.
It all made me think about fear. Nightmares are obviously scary things. And being worried about what people think about you? That’s pretty scary, too, right? That one deals with shame.
A lot of the writers I’m working with are dealing with a lot of fear right now.
Things they are afraid of:
What if I’m wasting my time and nobody likes my book?
What if I’m a sucky writer and everyone is lying to me that I’m not?
What if I fail?
What if people judge me because I fail?
What if nobody buys my book?
What if I get a bad review?
What if I ONLY get bad reviews?
Those are writer fears, right? But those fears can translate into a lot of other occupations, too.
FEAR SETTING
I talk a lot about this because I grew up with some fearful people and I have to try really hard to be brave. It’s a pretty constant battle because most of the time I just want to hermit under the desk with the puppy and a blanket and a book.
But Tim Ferris has some really great thoughts about fear setting. You can check out Ferris’s own extended version of his process. He also has a TedTalk about the steps he takes.
But it begins like this:
1. “Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering. What doubt, fears, and “what-ifs” pop up as you consider the big changes you can—or need—to make? Envision them in painstaking detail. Would it be the end of your life? What would be the permanent impact, if any, on a scale of 1–10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do you think it is that they would actually happen?
Next, think about what you could do to fix it if that worst-case scenario happens. Write it down. Was it not quite as hard as your fear made you think it would be?
Next what are the benefits, the potential, the outcomes in forever ways and transient ways of all those scenarios and possibilities? Would you be more confident? Happier? Would you have more money? Make a scale of 1-10 and rate those outcomes.
He asks,
1. What are you putting off out of fear? Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do. That phone call, that conversation, whatever the action might be—it is fear of unknown outcomes that prevents us from doing what we need to do. Define the worst case, accept it, and do it. I’ll repeat something you might consider tattooing on your forehead: What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. As I have heard said, a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have. Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear. I got into this habit by attempting to contact celebrities and famous business people for advice.
And how is this hurting you? By not doing something because of your fear how are you hurting yourself? Inaction also has a cost. It’s just a cost that seems easier because it doesn’t seem to rely on as much choice. But it does.
If I had never applied for an MFA, I most likely wouldn’t have focused so hard on becoming an author and then I would never have been about to be a NYT bestseller and have my books published all over the world.
If I had never applied for an MFA, I most likely wouldn’t have started a kids book festival.
But I was SO scared of getting rejected for that MFA program. So scared. That’s how I felt when I first started submitting my novel to agents and publishers, too.
If I hadn’t done that though, I’d probably be back living in an apartment above an appliance store with my roof falling in on me because of water damage.
To get your goals, you have to face your fears, you have to take risks, you have to act. It’s exactly what novelists make their characters do.
Ferris has some fantastic slides from his TedTalk that relate to aspect of inaction, too.
A lot of us who write novels, talk about the big lie that dominates our main character’s life, the wrong belief that dictates and holds the character back.
Fear is our big lie in the story of our lives.
HOW DOES YOUR FEAR MANIFEST?
So, here is my question when you get scared/nervous does your body do something funky? Like for me my palms start to tingle in a circle, which is a trait I totally stole and morphed for Zara in NEED and CAPTIVATE.
So, how about you? Do you vomit or shake or do you hear the same song in your head when you get stage fright or real fright?
Yes, I may use a suggestion in a story.