The Cat May Have Peed On the Counter

And I May Have Had a No Good, Bad, Overwhelming Morning

There’s an Anne Lamott quote that goes,

“Sometimes it takes failure to find out who you aren’t.”

This is not helpful if you’re someone like me, someone who wants to be all the things. When you want to be all the things, you kind of also don’t want to be told that you can’t be all those things.

Truth moment: I’ve never been super into Anne Lamott (Gasp! I know! I know! Sacriledge), but I’m not anti-her either. And this morning as I sort of had a bit of a tearful moment of existential b.s. about how I’m failing at everything, it was nice to randomly see her quote.

In blog posts, you’re supposed to be specific, pull the reader into your piece via concrete detail.

But there are no real concrete details about why I lost it this morning other than a relative asked for money; Shaun’s cancer appointment is Friday; I’m supposed to go to a friend’s camp today and I probably won’t make it because of responsibilities and I really want to occasionally go somewhere and have fun; another friend has asked to go out to their island and I probably can’t go to that either; we’re super tied down because of Xane, which is not Xane’s fault and Xane is cool, but kind of their mom’s fault because she’s a one-night a week if we’re lucky place—this isn’t about Xane, it’s just about adventuring as adults and Xane can’t handle adventures; Em (my daughter) is heading to D.C. next week for a professional consulting job with the government; summer is almost ending and I haven’t gone swimming once; I’m constantly worried about making enough money for my family to survive; and I have some added pressures this upcoming week work-wise.

None of this is really new. Most of this I handle pretty well 95% of the time. That whole paragraph is basically me whining and other people have big things going on in their lives.

But then I looked at the kitchen counter this morning.

There was something sticky there on the granite, something like a spilled liquid. Maybe it was olive oil? Maybe Shaun spilled some ice tea?

So I wiped it up and it was not olive oil. It was not ice tea. It was not a spilled liquid at all. It was a sprayed liquid.

It was cat pee.

Cat pee!

What sort of house do I have that a cat peed on the counter? Apparently, the same kind of house where the doggy had sick puppy poop the night before.

The horror of it broke me today.

I don’t want a house where a cat pees on a counter. I don’t want a house where I can’t just ever leave to go have fun. I don’t want a life where I have to worry about health insurance and making enough money each month. I don’t want that sort of life.

“I am not good with this,” I told Shaun, my husband.

“Good with what?”

“Good with anything.”

But what I really meant that I’m not good with me. I felt/feel like I’m not good enough to take care of everyone without also letting people down. Or maybe I’m not good enough at making money or writing or existing. It was a big downward spiral. :) Very drama. I might be good at drama?

“You’re good at a ton of things,” he said when I stopped blubbering things out, which was kind.

“I’m not though. I’m just efficient. That’s the only thing I’m good at: efficiency.”

He countered with “people don’t give you glowing reviews on Reedsy because you are efficient and get their work done on time.”

Then he said, “Okay, maybe that’s a part of it. But it’s not all of it.”

So, I huffed and I efficiently cleaned up the pee (obviously), called to make a cat appointment because that’s not normal for a cat to do (the kitty litter boxes are totally good by the way), and made a list of THINGS TO DO, which is kind of funny because I’m complaining about how I feel overwhelmed. But I separated it into categories to help me feel better about it. Then I started writing this.

Anne Lamott also said,

"Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen and widen and expand our sense of life: they feed the soul."

So, today, I just decided to write my truth of having a really poopy (pee-filled?) morning. Does it make me feel less alone to write about it? Maybe. But I’m sad because I’m not being terribly helpful to any of you who are reading it.

Here! I’ll try to be helpful.

SECTION OF HELPFULNESS (HOPEFULLY)

According to a Psychology Today article by A. Chris Heath, M.D., when you feel a bit overwhelmed by life, it’s good to do the following:

Recognize your feelings

Denial just leads to more tension and sometimes insomnia or staying stuck.

Find a source of consistency

They write,

“Think about who you are. A personality is like a tapestry, woven from our biology and early experiences. It is a consistent way you see yourself, other people, and the ways you deal with change. Having a sense of your unchanging traits and values can give you a sense of stability.”

So, my unchanging trait is that I’m efficient.

Find something that  you can rely on

I’m kind of into this one, but it’s what I’m having the hardest time with. They write,

“Look for factors external to you that you can trust. What gives you a sense of calm and stability—connecting with your partner, paying attention to the food you eat, finding time to appreciate nature?

“Another patient, during that same trying time, began going for walks outside. She didn’t have to walk for long, but if she could just see nature, the sky, or a tree, it helped her feel part of something bigger. Even if she couldn’t see family or friends, having the routine of rediscovering nature was something she could look forward to.”

Another article at Psych Central has nine tips and it might help you out if you’re feeling like I am this morning. Fingers crossed for all of us!

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