Steps to Defining Yourself & the Red Tie Man of Identity Labeling
Living Happy
A few years ago, I attended the Poinsettia Ball, which was THE main social event in our community. I helped set up the Friday before the event, during which time I learned how to make sure all the flatware is aligned EXACTLY the right way.
It was actually kind of fun … the setting up part.
But, then, at the actual ball, this man comes up to me, and he’s vaguely familiar, but I can’t remember who he is. He’s got a red tie on. He’s a bit stooped over.
I smile when he grabs my hand. I usually get hugged upon greeting instead of a handshake, so I figure it’s okay that I don’t know who he is right away. A handshake means we aren’t on hugging terms.
And he goes to me, “Hi, Carrie. Are you still –zy?”
I lean forward, although trying not to lean too far forward because of the whole breasts-in-gown-potentially-popping-out thing, and I say, “Am I still busy? Yeah, I guess so.”
He’s shaking his head at me. His red tie wiggles like a tongue and he says more loudly, “No. Are you still –zy?”
I back up because his breath smells like eggs, because he’s still clutching my hand, so I can’t get free, because there’s something mean happening.
People swarm around us, getting drinks, admiring each other. They are all loud talkers and it’s not easy to hear.
“Busy?” I ask.
“NO!” he yells. “Ditzy!”
“Ditzy? Am I still ditzy?” I have finally evacuated my hand from his talon. What do I say? I have no idea. And because I just want to get away, I blurt, “Um. I guess so?”
I am immediately angry at myself for this answer, for being so shocked and surprised that I just let this random red-tie-wearing man define me. Not just define me, but define me as ditzy.
Things like this always shock me. I had NO IDEA anyone perceived me as ditzy. Can newspaper editors (which is what I was then) be ditzy? Can former city councilors?
It’s amazing how many different perceptions people can have of you and how many different perceptions you can have of yourself.
Really.
There’s a person in our town that I think is lovely. Other people think she’s a horror. I’m convinced I’m right. We all have differing opinions about the same person. But that doesn’t mean that any of our opinions about that person is right.
The same goes for ourselves.
So, after running away from HE WHO CALLS ME DITZY, I bump into a past teacher of the year, marathon runner, and told him the story. He actually gets angry on my behalf, which is SOOOO nice and says, “Carrie, do you want me to take him outside?”
“No,” I tell him. “I just want to know if I’m ditzy.”
“You are not ditzy,” he tells me.
“You swear?”
“Swear.”
Thank God for teachers of the year.
But there are two things that make me come back to this story again and again (thank you for coming back with me) as both a writer and a woman.
As writers, we need to remember that not everyone always sees our character the same way—defines them the same way. And some people who define them are terribly wrong. But that’s a good thing to remember when trying to give our characters depth and layers and make them real on the page.
As a woman, I keep thinking to myself, “WTF?” Did I seriously let some random guy tell me I’m ditzy and agree? And then the immediate person I talked to was another man? Yes, second man was awesome. But why was I even so worried about how Mr. Red Tie defined me? What they thought of me? Why didn’t I go ask a woman instead? But more importantly, why did I ask anyone at all?
The only person who should get to define you is you. I say that to people all the time. Why couldn’t I have said that to me?
Why didn’t I think, the only person who gets to define me is me?
WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?
That becomes the big question, right? When you talk about defining yourself, your identity: Who do you want to be?
James Clear has a lot of interesting self-development insight and has made his career out of explaining this to people.
In his Quick Start Guide to Identity Based Habits, he writes,
“Want to become a better writer?
Identity: Become the type of person who writes 1,000 words every day.
Small win: Write one paragraph each day this week.
“Want to become strong?
Identity: Become the type of person who never misses a workout.
Small win: Do pushups every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. “
“Want to be a better friend?
Identity: Become the type of person who always stays in touch.
Small win: Call one friend every Saturday.
If you repeat the same people every 3 months, you’ll stay close with 12 old friends throughout the year.”
This is how I’ve done everything in my life. I’ve just done it. My biggest problem is usually deciding what I want to do, who I want to be. I started a paper by writing stories. I became a NYT and internationally bestselling novelist because I wrote all the time and studied writing. None of those things have anything to do with being ditzy or not, but they do have to do with my choices and actions, things I could control, Red Tie Man be damned. :) Not really! I would never want to damn anyone, but you get it right?
You become who you are, not by others’ definitions of you, but by your own action and choices.