Parenting Is Sometimes a Drama-Filled Jerk

Dialectical behavior therapy and a Xane update

Photo by youssef naddam on Unsplash

A lot of you who read this journal know that back in June, our kid, Xane, tried to kill themselves. They have autism, which they were diagnosed with in fourth grade. They are in eighth grade now. They’d been kicked out of school after an incident sparked by a teacher asking them to work by hand instead of the computer. Instead of following the plan created by one of the teachers, more and more teachers came into the room, concerned about the original ed tech’s safety, which is understandable because it was probably super scary and the staff members are human and need protection and care, but all those extra people in a very small room is pretty much the opposite of what deescalates Xane. The school called the police. The school called Shaun.

The head of special education for the district decided that Xane couldn’t come back until they were sure Xane wouldn’t be violent. All the teachers who worked with Xane wanted them to come back, but they were overruled.

And Xane needs an education and the school is legally mandated to provide one. So options were explored. There are very few options in Maine. Two in-patient programs with schooling. A couple out-patient therapy programs. The programs were all full and far away until one wasn’t.

We geared up. We explained the program. Xane seemed nervous but mostly chill, but in the middle of the night, they took all their remaining medication for anxiety and tried to kill themselves. Fortunately, they did a terribly job of it and though they spent a day in the hospital; mostly they just had a stomach ache.

And because they tried to kill themselves, that triggered state emergency intervention, which was amazing. I know. That doesn’t sound amazing. But the psychiatrist that called said, “Oh no, you can’t send Xane to that program. They have autism.” The program they were about to go to would have done them irreparable harm, the psychiatrist said.

Nobody told us that obviously.

The school system wanted Xane to go that program. We’re not mad at them at all. They were doing their best with limited options. But should options be so limited?

Xane is a cool kid. They’re funny. They make amazing memes and animation. They laugh hysterically a lot. They love jokes. They have a lot of anxiety. They have autism. And school is the place that makes them tremendously anxious. So anxious that they’d rather die than try a new one.