It's Okay To Make A Fuss When Water Rushes Into Your Basement
Or someone has their fingers in your mouth
Back in 2006 I decided that I absolutely had to move from the cool house by the river.
Why?
At the time, I posted on LiveJournal: Reasons Why I Need to Move
I cannot currently go downstairs into the basement without getting my feet wet.
This is because there is a new monster crack in the basement wall. And, oh! There's one in the floor, too.
Water is running into the wall crack at an alarming pace. It sounds like a small stream gurgling and while I like this sound and find it comforting. It is not comforting when it is in my basement.
I am not the sort of person known for her ability to create a device using dust bins, pails and duct tape in an attempt to channel small stream into a trickle into that will go happily into a pail.
I do not want to have to learn this skill, but I have. This morning I have.
I am supposed to be writing right now as part of the John Green challenge, but instead I have to go empty the pail.
The stream in my basement is frigid and icky. Streams are not pretty when surrounded by concrete, old computer printers, plastic bins full of old photos and plastic bags full of clothes that are going to Goodwill. Why is there so much plastic in my basement? Why does the stream want to go there? Is it Nature taking back what is rightfully hers? I would not mind the stream so much if there were moss there too, and maybe some ferns and some squirrels and pebbles, and….
Hhmmm, maybe I can work with this.
It’s all super chipper, right? But at this time in my life I was floundering pretty hard on the personal-life side. I was stuck and I wanted to break through the concrete and foundation and escape, but I didn’t know how.
It took me a long while to figure out how.
And it made me think about so many of us are conditioned to not make a fuss, to not complain, to not state our needs even as we tend to the needs of others.
The Hinges
When my daughter was little, she had hinges put in her mouth to make more room for her teeth.
She cried for an hour in the car after. She sobbed. She never sobs. She curled up on the passenger seat and put her head in my lap and just sobbed. She has never cried this much in her life.
"I look like a monster," she said stabbing at the inside of her mouth.
But that wasn't what she was the most upset about.
The orthodontist scolded her during the procedure, "Stop fussing. You make it all so much worse if you fuss."
She told me this and sobbed harder.
"It's my mouth. It hurt," she said. "Why can't I fuss?"
Which made me think. Why do we think fussing is bad? Shouldn't we fuss if things are awful and we don't feel well or we don't like what someone is doing to us? In our quest to make our kids or ourselves perfect and polite and well-behaved what do we do their (and our) autonomy? Is repressing our emotions, our fear, our anger always a good thing?
And I'm not saying we all should be rude, evil, tantrum monsters during our dental appointments, but when things hurt, and people scare us, I think we should be able to cry a little or say "No, hold on a minute" or just fuss.
There Are Benefits
A March 1, 2021 by Leo Newhouse, LICSW for Harvard Health states:
“Medical benefits of crying have been known as far back as the Classical era. Thinkers and physicians of ancient Greece and Rome posited that tears work like a purgative, draining off and purifying us. Today’s psychological thought largely concurs, emphasizing the role of crying as a mechanism that allows us to release stress and emotional pain.
“Crying is an important safety valve, largely because keeping difficult feelings inside — what psychologists call repressive coping — can be bad for our health. Studies have linked repressive coping with a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, and hypertension, as well as with mental health conditions, including stress, anxiety, and depression. Crying has also been shown to increase attachment behavior, encouraging closeness, empathy, and support from friends and family.”
American men cry approximately 1.9 times every month. American women? We’re crying 3.5 times in that same period.
Crying. Making a fuss. Twinging when in pain. They are normal reactions. They can be healthy reactions too. Maybe back in 2006 when I was busy trying to be chipper, if I hadn’t been so busy trying to buck up and carry on, I would’ve been out of that house with the giant crack in the foundation a lot earlier. Maybe, I would’ve headed to a better life sooner. But I didn’t because I was too worried about making a fuss (and some other scarier things).
As Newhouse writes,
“As challenging as it may be, the best way to handle difficult feelings, including sadness and grief, is to embrace them. It is important to allow yourself to cry if you feel like it. Make sure to take the time and find a safe space to cry if you need to. Many people associate crying during grief with depression, when it can actually be a sign of healing. Teaching boys and young men that it’s okay to cry may reduce negative health behaviors and help them have fuller lives.”
So, make a fuss if you need to. Cry if you need to. Do what you need to do to be real, okay?
