I'm Okay With Not Being Beautiful
Living Happy
I’m pretty sure that by cultural standards that I’m the physically ugliest I’ve ever been in my life. Health issues have kept me from being my normal level of active. My hair is no longer lush at all. And I’m getting some cool wrinkles. Also, allergies have been giving me pretty red eyes lately.
Yikes, right?
Meh.
This beauty thing—how you look—never mattered to me in my life: this whole concept of physical beauty. And I’ve never cared about it in others either.
I’ll always remember when I was dating one guy in college, how one of my best friends, Alex, announced, “Thank God, you’re dating F*&A, Carrie. You give hope to ugly guys everywhere.”
And I thought, “Wait. Is he ugly?”
I hadn’t noticed. To be fair, I’m pretty visually impaired and not terribly detail oriented.
My theory throughout most of my life has been that if I avoid looking in the mirror, I can live blissfully unaware that I have an exterior shell. Seriously, I don’t go to the hairdresser because I don’t want to look in the mirror—especially for the length of a haircut. I don’t take photos of myself (and focus on other people) because I’m always a bit shocked by what I see, but also because I don’t see the point.
And most of my life, I live in this pretty blissful unaware state. I go out. I smile at people. They smile back. I talk to people. They talk, too. Why would I care?
I also tend to think that everyone is beautiful.
“Oh, (insert any name you want in here), she’s not that attractive, but she thinks she’s all that,” random people talking to me throughout my life about random people.
Me always, “Wait. What? I think she’s beautiful.”
I am, apparently, not terribly discerning and apparently, I’ve just learned, that’s a bit weird.
BEAUTY AND HAPPINESS
All of this has made me think a lot about why we want to be beautiful. To attract a mate? To garner attention? Outside validation? To have people be nicer to us maybe? That biological imperative?
It’s a bit like wealth, right? Society and influencers and marketers tells us we all want to be wealthier. Society and influencers and marketers sends us images and narrative that we all want to be more beautiful. But why?
So many of us think that physical beauty equals happiness. It can make things easier, yes, but happiness? Some of the least happy people I know are the ones who are probably the most conventionally beautiful. But there’s more to happiness than physical beauty. Happiness is something that character (not physical beauty) cultivates.
I’m not even sure what ugly is when it comes to the quirks of face, the lack of symmetry in features. Those things are character. Those things are difference.
Difference isn’t ugly. It’s gorgeous.
And I’m pretty sure beauty doesn’t have to do with putting Botox in or having sculpted cheekbones under five pounds of makeup (although those are fine choices if they are yours).
Beauty is about listening to others when they talk, about worrying when friends (or even acquaintances) are failing. Beauty is empathy and kindness.
This week a local woman was driving and saw two matted dogs on the road. It was late. It was in a rural town but on a heavily used road. She got the dogs in her car, checked the neighbors, checked for tags, and brought the dogs all the way back to her house, which was on the island, a decent distance away. She called the animal control officer in the town, made a Facebook post, made another and another, worried about where to bring the dogs if she couldn’t find the owner, worried about their health. The next day she got them groomed, made a vet appointment.
People started asking how to help, offering money. One woman groomed the dogs for free. They eventually were claimed, but before that? People were beautiful, giving, kind.
Similarly, last week, a local photographer in his eighties was plowed into during a high school state championship football game. He has given away his gorgeous photos of high school sports games for decades. His hip shattered. He has had two operations and has to go to a rehabilitation center. Everyone has offered to help. Over and over again.
I don’t know if this woman who took in those dogs is Kardashian or Seo Ye Ji gorgeous. And I know the photographer doesn’t look like an exact replica of Henry Cavil or Isaiah Mustafa.
But they are beyond gorgeous these people in my community. That’s what beauty is. Their kindness was mirrored back to them via the support of their community. That’s really the best kind of mirror of all.
We can choose to live our lives shouting at each other, being addicted to indignation, or we can choose to be kind and beautiful. And that choice? It has nothing to do with luscious hair or wrinkle free skin. It has to do with hearts.
“The real measure of our wealth is how much we’d be worth if we lost all our money.” – John Henry Jowett said.
That’s fine. That’s true.
But I think the real measure of our beauty is how much love we put out into our world.
My dear, you are so incredibly beautiful! Inside, outside, and all of the way through!
Carrie, you make all things beautiful with your words. I was taught that beauty begins from within; are you kind, do you help others, do you roll up your sleeves and pant legs and jump into the dirty ditches of life to help other human beings find their way out? I believe we are all born beautiful, some just get lost along the way. This post is a keeper. Blessings always.