I lost it this week, but I found it again and that's because of oxytocin and brain science

LIVING HAPPY is sometimes an automatic response

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

As I posted on Facebook and Patreon, I may have lost it a little this week. And when I say “may have,” I mean completely.

Let me give you some backstory. Shaun went to Florida to go alligator hunting. It is his first time away from home and us in years. Xane’s mother was starting school this same week (his permit is only for a certain time) and she wouldn’t take Xane. So, I stayed home and pulled double duty, trying to keep us all financially afloat AND make sure that Xane went to all of their therapy sessions for their new program every day.

Anyway, Xane changes clothes every time they go to their bathroom, so that added a bit of laundry stress because they’ll only wear certain clothes. They also will only eat certain foods. So that added a bit of stress. Plus, we have a puppy and a kitten. Plus, I had deadlines. A lot of deadlines this week.

All that is vaguely normal stress though.

But on Thursday morning, Xane pretty much kept falling asleep during their Zoom sessions. So, Shaun out in an airboat in Florida was getting messages from the program asking if Xane is okay. They could see them asleep, but apparently they were still worried. So, then they called me. They showed up as SPAM on my phone. They asked me to call them back and I tried, but they’ve called from a number that only makes outgoing calls and they didn’t leave a message. I hopped onto Shaun’s email, found someone to contact, blah, blah, blah.

It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal even with my deadline.

It was still a big deal inside of me. Em (my older daughter) who was also home for the week sadly got to hear me unload when she asked what was wrong. I cried. I was articulate, but I still cried because I just felt so overwhelmed.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said in an ultra-drama way. “There is too much drudgery and I am doing all I can to keep us afloat but I have no work-life balance, all I have is the same responsibilities day after day after day.” And I went on.

And she said, “That would have been a really good dramatic monologue for an audition.”

And I said, “I know! But it was real!”

Everything I’d taught myself about living happily, about being grateful for moments, about going with the flow like I smoke a lot of pot or something and just being chill? It was gone. In its place was a bunch of tears.

Then I felt kind of better. Nothing changed, but Em listened. She didn’t try to negate my feelings. She used her Selena Gomez voice and was calm. None of my problems were forever-solved, but for a hot second I felt heard and recognized. And you know what? It felt good.

But why?

Why did Em listening and me trusting her make me feel better?

I think this is the reason. And it’s all from Paul Zak, a professor of economics, psychology and management at Claremont Graduate University who has a new book out, Immersion.

Image courtesy of the author

Paul Zak’s lab had discovered that when a person trusts you, your brain releases oxytocin. That oxytocin makes you cooperate. “Oxytocin receptors,” he writes in his upcoming book Immersion (Sept 13 release), “are found in the brain or central nervous system and also outside the brain in the peripheral nervous system.” They are also on your heart and vagus nerve.