How to be extraordinary as a writer

It's not quite as hard as you think

Photo by Andreas M on Unsplash

Most of us go around thinking that we’re pretty normal. We see extraordinary people—big thinkers, big doers—and they don’t seem human. Maybe they are AI enhanced?

But they are.

They just made choices to not be normal.

They don’t focus on being like everyone else.

Plath said, “There is no normal/average. A 'normal person' is what is left after society has squeezed out all unconventional opinions and aspirations out of a human being."

Look at how great she is. I didn’t even use her first name. That’s a huge level of greatness, right?

You can not be normal if you don’t want to be normal.

Side note: It’s also okay to not want to different. It’s okay to be chill and be average. That’s a really lovely and beautiful thing, too. You get to do you! No pressure, no judgement from me ever.

This dog is basically me. This is why I can’t judge anyone.

Let’s get started.

There’s a cool Psychology Today article that resonated with me a bit about traits that make a person extraordinary. It’s by Dr. David Sack.

He lists them as:

1. Focus on things that matter.

2. Kindness

3. A willingness to be seen as imperfect

4. An ability to connect

5. Joyfulness

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THE FOCUS

When you think of this as a writer, focusing on things that matter makes perfect sense because you want to not have a bunch of junk distracting from the character development and plot in your story, right?

There’s another aspect of it, too. For us as humans, Dr. Sack writes,

“The extraordinary person knows it’s the intrinsic qualities that bring true satisfaction—those that satisfy our needs for emotional intimacy and personal growth. Focusing on extrinsic goals, by contrast—things such as physical attractiveness, wealth and fame—not only doesn’t satisfy us, it can damage our well-being by setting us up to feel that what we have is never enough. The extraordinary ordinary people seem to know instinctively the folly of joining the crowd on the hamster wheel. Instead, they are content to keep their focus on ‘being’ rather than ‘having.’”

I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of people super focused on those extrinsic goals. Successful writers can write to be popular or get a lucrative contract, but extraordinary ones tend to be writing for something else, something inside them.

But also, extraordinary writers also focus on getting their book done.

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THE KINDNESS

When it comes to kindness, most readers relate the most easily to a character that does kind things early on. It’s the “Save the Cat” moment when the main character does something kind at risk to themselves (like saving a cat) early on in the novel, so then the reader likes them.

The writers I love as humans do this in their books, but also in real life, being kind to their readers and fellow writers and not being divas.

In real life? There are people who are just beautifully kind.

“They are special because they have the gift of making others feel special. And the nice thing about kindness is it works both ways,” Sacks writes. “It’s lovely to be on the receiving end, but multiple studies confirm it feels even nicer to do kind things for others.”

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BEING OKAY WITH NOT BEING A PERFECT GODDESS

For some of us, perfectionism gets in the way of output. We can get so scared of messing up, that we can freeze up and not post our blog or newspaper article or send out novel out to readers. (I wrote about this and me recently right here).

There is something scary for a lot of us about putting ourselves right out there.

Sacks writes:

“It's not that extraordinary people never fail; but they’re the ones who put themselves out there despite their failures.

Brené Brown, Ph.D., writes in Daring Greatly:

“When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.”

Extraordinary people and writers put their things out there even if it means attracting trolls, critics, and the occasional threat of a lawsuit.

“Those who are willing to reach for the extraordinary understand that criticism and rejection are the price we sometimes pay for trying, that we all have fear, and that defeat doesn’t equal unworthiness. This willingness to be vulnerable gives them the freedom to pursue their dreams and tap into their creative powers. By extension, this mindset creates a safe place for those in their orbit, so that they can feel inspired to give it their best shot, too,” Sacks writes.

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CONNECTING

I was at an event in Northeast Harbor, Maine this week and it was a groundbreaking about two new homes being built so more working families can live on the island.

The woman in charge of the nonprofit doing this work made it a point to great everyone. Most people were greeted with a hug and a kindness. It was lovely. And it made sense because what’s she’s doing is extraordinary: making homes, making a difference.

For us writers, connecting with our readers is the number one priority. If we don’t do it, they shut the book, close the screen, move on.

Dr. Sacks talks about the Grant Study, which looked at 268 men for decades (since the 1930s).

“George Vaillant,” Sacks writes, “was asked what he had learned from the mountains of data. His response? ‘That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.’

When you are extraordinary, you aren’t all about yourself. You aren’t the top priority. You listen to others instead of zoning out, interrupting, or staring at a screen.

“They are the ones who remember our names, ask us questions and care about the answers, and leave us feeling heard and valued. Extraordinary people also connect with themselves, paying attention to their feelings and respecting their needs, just as they do for those around them,” Sacks writes.

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BEING JOYFUL AS ALL POOP WHEN WE CAN

We talk a lot about being happy, but when the opportunity comes for the big joy, do we let it happen? Do we let it happen to our characters and really lean into their triumphant, joyous moments?

We should.

“We temper our joy, feeling we somehow don’t deserve it, or that it won’t last, or that we are somehow jinxing ourselves by acknowledging it. If you’ve ever felt your heart swell with joy as you look at a loved one only to instantly imagine tragedy befalling them, or received a promotion only to worry that your company’s faith has been misplaced, you know what I mean,” Dr. Sacks writes. “The antidote for this reaction is gratitude, as the extraordinary ones among us know. They aren’t fooling themselves; they know that joy ebbs and flows, but they welcome what they get, allow themselves to feel worthy of their share, and seek it in the most ordinary moments—where it is most often found.”

As writers, this can come in two forms:

1. We want to lean in and let the joy of our characters resonate for the readers when those moments happen, allow them to stay in for that extra beat.

2. When our own writing triumphs happen (internal or external), we need to allow ourself to have that joy—not move immediately on to catastrophize it.

Now, I’m going to talk about it for writers, okay? Sorry about the paywall!

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QUICK NOTE: The paid content for this week is below the paywall for those of you who are just free subscribers. I know! I know! I am willing to barter, but I am pretty smart about this stuff and most of my content is free. I just need food, too. And to feed the puppy.