Fear
It's holding me back. How about you?
Because of what’s going on with our youngest child, Shaun and I keep putting off things we want to do. We live with a lot of fear that’s about our kid and their life and health, but we also deal with a lot of non-parent fears.
Shaun is not a person who easily changes careers or houses. I am a person who jumps into new things unafraid. Or I was until we started taking care of Xane and I became the primary wage earning.
Responsibility for other people makes me a lot less fearless than I used to be.
Here. I’m going to plain language that.
I’m scared all the time.
I’m scared of taking financial risks.
I’m scared of going bankrupt.
I’m scared.
But our child’s attempted suicide has helped me realize how much we let our fear and our desperation rule us. When I sat on their bed a few nights ago, I said, “Why did you take those pills?”
Sometimes their story changes. I wanted to see if it did.
And they shrugged and said, “I just was scared. I didn’t know what would happen at that other school. I had a bad feeling. You want to see this meme about El and Light?”
We let our fears and bad feelings control us so much sometimes that we are willing to not exist, to not have any feelings at all. That’s a bit of a wake-up call for me because I don’t want to live in fear any longer.
MAKING A FEAR LIST AS A FIRST STEP
As an editor and writing coach, I deal with a lot of fear. A lot of writers that I mentor are afraid to say their story is done, afraid to send it out, afraid to take the next big step in their dream.
There’s a lot of fear in dating, too, for some of us. A fear of rejection, of creeps, a fear of not being good enough, failing, of being unsafe.
And that goes for entrepreneurship as well.
What I did was write down all the things I’m afraid of. It’s a Tim Denning tactic and I’m not sure where he got that tactic from, but it really helped me.
Here’s my list:
I’m afraid of making the world worse by my presence.
I’m afraid of being bankrupt.
I’m afraid of ridicule.
My fears hold me back about entrepreneurship and art. I get business ideas and absolutely psyched to try them and then—whoosh—I spiral into the Land of I Can’t Possibly Make This Work and then descend into the Land of I Will Be Bankrupt and Have to Live in a Car. The car will of course be parked in the breakdown lane of an abandoned rural road either in the desert or in a blizzard because I also will have no money for gas. Probably a rabid grizzly bear is trying to get in. Or a zombie horde. Yeah . . . Angry, radioactive gerbils?
Anyway, I avoid taking financial risks and going after my ideas because I let that fear rule me.
Last year (I think) I started Be Brave Fridays on my Facebook and started showing my paintings, which I am incredibly insecure about (see fear #3—ridicule) and I’ve been doing podcasts for a couple years simply because I am so insecure about my voice because I was bullied (also see fear #3—ridicule) about my sloshy s sounds so much (and sometimes still am).
What I’ve realized is that I work a lot on fear #3, but I haven’t done a thing about my other two big fears—being bankrupt and making the world worse. I just hunker down, move forward, making myself miserable by not trying new things.
WE MIGHT BE BRAVE ABOUT SOME STUFF BUT STILL HAVE FEARS
When my writers ask me how I can write so much so quickly and often go kind of deep, I tell them two things:
I was a newspaper reporter while raising my daughter and I really liked hanging out with my daughter so I would push out story after story when she was at school so that I’d be done in time to pick her up. I had no time for writer’s block because I was super motivated to be with her. I ended up writing double what all the other reporters wrote. I became hyper productive because I wanted to be with her so much.
I embrace the fact that my work will not be perfect. Even this blog post probably has a misplaced comma in it somewhere or I’ll write DEAR for FEAR. That’s okay.
Here’s the thing: When you are okay with not being perfect, life gets a lot easier. Perfection is subjective anyway. Your perfect is not Joe Biden’s perfect is not Donald Trump’s perfect is not Oprah Winfrey’s perfect is not Jackie Chan’s perfect. Just think of how they all probably like their steaks cooked different ways. Rare. Well done. Shoe leather. Seasoned. No seasoning. Only Montreal steak seasoning. One might not even like steak at all.
So, my question becomes (and maybe yours too): Why am I not afraid of this one thing, but so afraid of other things?
I embrace writing and am not afraid of it, but I am terrified of starting a business or making videos. I rationalize all the reasons I shouldn’t jump on a business idea or create a company.
But all that logic? It’s b.s. It’s just me being insecure.
The only way to fight that is to:
1. Realize what you’re insecure about.
2. Figure out why.
3. Fight it. Lean into what you’re scared of happening instead of away.
The labels of who I am and who I am supposed to be never included entrepreneur or even artist or extravert. I was shy, quirky, a writer.
And for a long time I believed those labels.
WHY ARE YOU AFRAID? WHY ARE YOU INSECURE?
I’m afraid of sharing my art because my mom said with a scoff, “Nobody has an artistic bone in our family.” I’m afraid of sharing my art because nobody praised my fourth-grade scribbles. I’m afraid of sharing my art because I only see with one eye and my hands shake. I’m afraid of that ridicule of all my artist friends rolling their eyes and saying, “Look at that poser.”
I’m afraid of starting a business because I’m afraid of failing and losing a lot of money (and having to live in a car), but also because I always heard that I was quirky, the weird kid, the child in our family that didn’t fit in with the UPS executive brother and school secretary sister. I’m afraid of starting a business because I don’t know how.
NOTHING IS FOREVER
But that’s the thing. Not knowing how isn’t a permanent state. With anything that you do, you have to start investing in your wants and goals. That investment might be time and free (watching YouTube tutorials, reading blogs) or through courses and mentorships, but in order to fight your fears and go after what you want? You have to take those steps.
TACKLE THAT FEAR
This is how I’m going to tackle my fear problem:
I’m going to imagine what happens if I DON’T do the thing I am afraid of. Am I okay with that? Will I regret not going after my dream, my goal, my idea?
Do something without expectation. Have an idea for a business? Do a bit of research. Want to write a novel? Write. Don’t expect to sell a billion copies or make a billion dollars. Don’t put that pressure on yourself, but just take small steps forward by actively DOING something instead of just DREAMING something.
Make a habit. If you get used to writing every morning for 30 minutes, you eventually don’t have to make the decision to write every morning for 30 minutes. The same goes for art, exercise, business skills.
Don’t be afraid to say, “Oh. This sucks.” Don’t let the suck define you. That suck isn’t you. That suck is just a lesson or a step. Take the next step after that.
BLOW OFF THE HATERS AND DON’T BECOME ONE EITHER, OKAY?
And for ridicule? Well, that’s a bit harder, but what I do is think of famous people or someone that I admire in the community. And then I remind myself that every single one of them has a hater.
Presidents, the head of the U.S. country, every single one of them has at least one hater and now (thanks to social media) those haters are really loud. Celebrities? They might make billions of dollars and have millions of fans. They still get ridiculed. A woman who volunteers for the hospital in our community? Haters and lovers. A man who walks our dog down the street. Same thing.
Ridicule is just weak-minded people lashing out because they have nothing better to do than envy or be judgmental so that they can feel better about themselves.
And I’ve decided that I don’t have time for that. This life is short. I don’t want to waste any more of my time and I hope you don’t either.
The bonus post for paid subscribers is about Fear Setting. Thanks again, paid subscribers! Maybe someday I’ll get over my fear of asking for subscribers or people to buy my books. I’m working on it! And thanks again free subscribers, too! I’m super honored that you’re here with me.