Being Hard On Yourself
Living Happy
When I was a super dorky, little kid—one of the poor kids in my town of pretty rich kids—with my bowl cut and grammy glasses (that are kind of cool now actually), I had one of those big cries. Being a cool dad, he asked why.
“Because I’m so ugly,” I told him, “and nobody will ever love me.”
“First off,” he said, “I love you. Your mom loves you. And that blonde boy of the Hickmans’ is completely in love with you.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t count.”
He took me by the shoulders like he was William Shatner’s Captain Kirk trying to talk some sense into someone on the Starship Enterprise and said, “You can’t do this to yourself. I want you to go to the mirror right now and look at yourself and tell yourself that you’re beautiful.”
I shirked.
That was not only goofy; it was embarrassing.
“Do it,” he said, turning me around and marching me into the bathroom.
I couldn’t.
He went first. “Look at you, John,” he said. “You are one handsome devil.”
That wasn’t fair I told him because he was. And me? I was a dorky girl with glasses who played in the woods too much and read way too many books.
“I am,” he told me, “because I believe I am. And you? You are because I believe in you, too.”
My stepdad (I called him Daddy actually) died when I was in sixth grade, but all of his family? They were like that. They believed they were strong and talented and gorgeous and they were—no matter what society said about them.
Anyway, that’s the sort of thing I remember about him: how much he believed in himself and in me despite my glasses.
It’s easy to be kind of mean to yourself, right? But all of us have things that we do that might be considered a “bad habit” by our society. We might get distracted. We might procrastinate. We might be addicted to our phone or other things. But the weaknesses we have? It’s okay to be aware of them and once we are? That’s when we can start fixing ourselves.
I got an email today from a really cool man who has done a lot in his life so far. And he wrote that he was headed back to right-mindedness, which to me was such a beautiful thought. We aren’t stuck as who we are right this second. We can change. We can head toward right-mindedness or away from it. We can figure out systems to stop procrastinating or staring at our phones.
It’s easy to be hard on ourselves because we live with ourselves every day. But we also have to not quit on ourselves either. Stoics will tell you that right-mindedness comes from principles and loving reason. And that might be true. But I like to think that the first step is being okay with not being okay, with being chill about your flaws or perceived imperfections rather than dwelling inside of them and letting them define you.
And I also learned that glasses are cool.
SOME LINKS THAT MIGHT BE USEFUL
https://hbr.org/2021/05/stop-being-so-hard-on-yourself
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201810/7-signs-youre-too-hard-on-yourself
You're the best. But you already knew that:)
Carrie, you are a shining star! When I was 7years old my dad had read to me and my siblings the story of Cairn and Able from at the Home Learning Bible. He would read to us then ask us the questions that came with the lesson. I remember asking what mark God put upon Cain. My dad took my face in his hand and said, "Maybe God gave him freckles, or brown eyes, or dimples in his cheeks." I realized he was describing me. Then he said, "I want you to remember 2 things. Watch your punctuation when you read and remember that no matter where you go in life, God loves you and so do I." He then proceeded to re-read the part about the mark being put upon Cain, "And God put a mark upon Cain, so no harm would come to him." I have never forgotten this life lesson and carried it throughout my life, seminary and ministry.