A Big Ego is the Enemy of All of Us
Living Happy
There’s an old article in the Harvard Business Review that’s entitled, “Ego Is the Enemy of Good Leadership” It’s by Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter and it makes a great case about how leaders who have monster egos end up being crappy leaders.
They begin with the story of Cees’t Hart, Carlsberg Group’s CEO. He received a key card for the elevator that allowed him to lock out every floor except his floor: the top floor. There he had a posh corner office. He could see all of Copenhagen.
It was pretty sweet, right?
He worked and got used to his new job, but realized that because he went straight up to the place of poshness, he didn’t see everyone else. Or it was rare.
What was even rarer? He pushed his ego out of the way and went to a lower floor than his spot on the 20th, found an empty desk in the open floor plan, and began to interact with employees that weren’t executives.
Don’t Only Focus On People Like You
Hougaard and Carter write, “When asked about the changes, Cees explained, ‘If I don’t meet people, I won’t get to know what they think. And if I don’t have a finger on the pulse of the organization, I can’t lead effectively.’”
They go on to explain that higher you climb, the more your ego becomes a potential problem. And add, “And the bigger their ego grows, the more they are at risk of ending up in an insulated bubble, losing touch with their colleagues, the culture, and ultimately their clients.”
Everyone Has Something To Add
I’ve seen this happen a lot and I’ve always marveled at people where this doesn’t happen to. In my life, I’ve been lucky enough to have been exposed to billionaires and small time drug dealers, liberal activists and conservative activists, small town politicians and federal politicians, judges and criminals, vaccine creators, people who desegregated fraternities, documentarians, Oscar winners, and people chilling at the gas station. Life is absolutely amazing, right? And all these people? They all had beautiful things going on about them. Every. Single. One.
Let’s Talk About Hubris
But what I’ve noticed is that a lot of us live in our bubbles. That doesn’t only happen when we get powerful. We want people to agree with us, to laugh at our jokes, to tell us we’re kicking butt at our job or our volunteer work.
For leaders, or rich people, or famous people, that tends to grow and grow and grow as their wealth and success grows. The talk about their influence and the people around them nod their heads and feed it right back to them.
It’s called hubris syndrome. I think it has a guru aspect to it as well.
I’ve seen it in reporters, in town councils and in writing groups. I’ve seen it in friends groups. I’ve seen it in families.
It terrifies me honestly. I think my terror holds me back, but that’s a post for another day. Simply, I’m afraid of people looking up to me because that’s a lot of responsibility, but also because I’m afraid of hubris, of being insulated and ignorant to the world around me.
British foreign secretary and neurologist David Owen and psychiatry professor Jonathan Davidson define this, which is mentioned in that Harvard Business Review article, as a “disorder of the possession of power, particularly power which has been associated with overwhelming success, held for a period of years.”
Leaning Away
When I was at the peak of my publishing career as a writer (fingers crossed for another peak soon), I had people cry when they met me. One person bit another in a line at a book signing. It was lovely that people cared so much, but also a bit weird. I witnessed other authors really lean into those ego building moments and perpetuate them. Their careers blossomed even more.
I leaned away.
I don’t regret that. I would regret who I would have become if I had leaned in. Yeah, a lot richer probably, but way more of a butthead.
The Sexy Compliment and the Unchecked Ego
Now that I have a news blog in our little town of 5,000 people, the same thing is happening a bit. True, I’d potentially stop writing about town meetings and cool people if I had no feedback, but I’m also a bit nervous about the positive feedback and my own ego. I’ve seen a lot of reporters succumb to those sexy compliments. It’s a hard balance.
Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter write,
“An unchecked ego can warp our perspective or twist our values. In the words of Jennifer Woo, CEO and chair of The Lane Crawford Joyce Group, Asia’s largest luxury retailer, ‘Managing our ego’s craving for fortune, fame, and influence is the prime responsibility of any leader.’ When we’re caught in the grip of the ego’s craving for more power, we lose control. Ego makes us susceptible to manipulation; it narrows our field of vision; and it corrupts our behavior, often causing us to act against our values.
“Our ego is like a target we carry with us. And like any target, the bigger it is, the more vulnerable it is to being hit. In this way, an inflated ego makes it easier for others to take advantage of us. Because our ego craves positive attention, it can make us susceptible to manipulation. It makes us predictable. When people know this, they can play to our ego. When we’re a victim of our own need to be seen as great, we end up being led into making decisions that may be detrimental to ourselves, our people, and our organization.
“An inflated ego also corrupts our behavior. When we believe we’re the sole architects of our success, we tend to be ruder, more selfish, and more likely to interrupt others. This is especially true in the face of setbacks and criticism. In this way, an inflated ego prevents us from learning from our mistakes and creates a defensive wall that makes it difficult to appreciate the rich lessons we glean from failure.”
“Finally, an inflated ego narrows our vision. The ego always looks for information that confirms what it wants to believe. Basically, a big ego makes us have a strong confirmation bias. Because of this, we lose perspective and end up in a leadership bubble where we only see and hear what we want to. As a result, we lose touch with the people we lead, the culture we are a part of, and ultimately our clients and stakeholders.”
Long quote, right? But I think it’s so important. If I ever start talking about how much influence I have or want to have, one of you has to call an intervention, okay?
HOW TO BREAK FREE
There’s a great article, “Eckhart Tolle: How to Free Yourself from Your Ego Armor” over on Oprah.com, about how to break free from the ego. The HBR piece has some insight to that, too.
I’ve been perusing it a bit, and Tolle tells Leigh Newman,
“Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity—and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you've decided to accept as truth.
”One way to think about ego is as a protective heavy shell, such as the kind some animals have, like a big beetle. This protective shell works like armor to cut you off from other people and the outside world. What I mean by shell is a sense of separation: Here's me and there's the rest of the universe and other people. The ego likes to emphasize the ‘otherness’ of others.”
When I read this, it was a huge epiphany for me about the divisiveness of our culture and our community, how that separation can lead to an us vs them mentality that impedes progress and also hurts community or even smaller communities like families.
They write:
“The ego loves to strengthen itself by complaining—either in thoughts or words—about other people, the situation you find yourself in, something that is happening right now but ‘shouldn't be,’ and even about yourself. For example, when you're in a long line at the supermarket, your mind might start complaining how slow the checkout person is, how he should be doing this or doing that, or he failed to do anything at all—including packing the bag of the person ahead of you correctly.
”When this happens, the ego has you in its grip. You don't have thoughts; the thoughts have you—and if you want to be free, you have to understand that the voice in your head has created them and irritation and upset you feel is the emotional response to that voice.”
SO, HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Notice Your Own Thoughts
Are you constantly complaining? Are you constantly thinking the same exact thing? Do your thoughts always seem mad, sad, impatient?
Try To Figure Out If It Is Your Ego or Reality Making You Think What You Are Thinking?
Culture tells us to be annoyed at waiting. But do we need to actually be annoyed? Or are we complying to norms? Everyone else is waiting, too, right? But sometimes when that happens it feels like we’re the only one and the universe is against us specifically? That’s the ego being a bastard.
Tolle says,
“Bring In Your Awareness
“When you see the difference between your voice and the reality of the situation, that's the beginning of awakening. This is often a moment—a flash that sizzles and disappears. Initially you still lose yourself again, and the old thoughts arise, but gradually, you gain awareness, and the dysfunctional thoughts subside. It's a gradual transition, this bringing in of your awareness, because the ego doesn't want to change. It doesn't want to disappear, so it will give you plenty of reasons why you cannot be present.”
And when you’re in a leadership role, Hougaard and Carter suggest,
“Consider the perks and privileges you are being offered in your role. Some of them enable you to do your job effectively. That’s great. But some of them are simply perks to promote your status and power and ultimately ego.
“Consider which of your privileges you can let go of. It could be the reserved parking spot or, like in Cees ‘t Hart’s case, a special pass for the elevator.
“Support, develop, and work with people who won’t feed your ego. Hire smart people with the confidence to speak up.
“Humility and gratitude are cornerstones of selflessness. Make a habit of taking a moment at the end of each day to reflect on all the people that were part of making you successful on that day. This helps you develop a natural sense of humility, by seeing how you are not the only cause of your success. And end the reflection by actively sending a message of gratitude to those people.”
Maybe the goal isn’t to be afraid of success because of the ego (cough, me) and your potential for hubris (cough, me), but to work on helping other people (even the ones who don’t agree with you) and remembering to be grateful and humble.
What do you think? How do you make sure that you aren’t in a bubble of yes-people? How do you stay humble and kind like the Lori Mckenna song, which I am now going to totally link here.
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